I woke up this morning feeling very... self-assured? That's not the right term, but I simply cannot find the right words right now. I felt like I might suddenly understand something today that has been just outside my grasp. Like the world had something to tell me. And it didn't take long. I hadn't even been up an hour when I read an article about marriage (when and why people make that decision).
I was raised in a family different from that of a lot of my friends. My parents have been married for 41 years now. I think I was in middle school before I made my first friends whose parents were still together. Now the numbers are a little more balanced. But when I was growing up, I learned pretty quick that my experience wasn't necessarily the typical one. I never had any delusions that getting married meant staying married, but I did think that it was something that one did when they found the right person.
Then, when I was 22, I got engaged to the wrong person. It didn't take me too long to figure out that it wasn't right. And fortunately I didn't get married before I learned that. In fact, I set up barriers, goals that we would have to meet before we could wed. And they were goals that the two of us could never have achieved. It did take me 2 years past that engagement to end the relationship, though it was probably only days before I decided to do so. But why did I say yes in the first place?
I was 22. Don't tell me you didn't make any mistakes when you were 22, especially when it comes to relationships. But that's no excuse. My parents got married when they were 21. So why would I say yes to a proposal that I was only half-hearted about in the first place and that I was adamantly opposed to only days later. Because I wanted to get married. When I say that, I don't mean that I wanted a long, happy marriage (though I did want that as well, but that clearly wasn't a consideration when I said yes). I wanted the wedding. The dress and the party and to be the center of attention. I wanted people to say how beautiful I looked and how wonderful it all was. And I wanted it then more than ever, because I had lost any sense of self-worth in that relationship and it certainly was not wonderful. I was heartbroken and destroyed and thought that a white dress and a day of amazing things would make it all better.
Two years later I came to my senses and left. I realized, finally, that that wasn't how things were supposed to be. The wedding wouldn't fix our relationship. I had examined, for those two years, the marriages of my parents and his parents and realized that if I stood in front of a priest with that man that we would end up like his parents. I would be secondary to everything, waiting on him all the time, always heartbroken. So I walked out.
I've been in a wonderful relationship for six years now, and it's hard to believe that I could have ever tolerated the last one. I no longer crave the wedding, because he makes me feel beautiful and amazing every day. I don't need a big party for that. Every single day I get to come home to a man who is supportive and kind, thoughtful and caring. That doesn't mean that we don't have our disagreements, but they're little, we work through them, and we move on. I would do anything in my power to make him happy.
Or so I thought. Because I still clung to the idea that eventually marriage was something that happens. I had a good example to look at and why didn't he want that? The experience he had was different and I always said that I understood how he felt, why he might be reluctant, but it wouldn't be like that for us. We would work out. I would never hurt him. If we just got married it would all be wonderful.
First, how could I understand how he felt? My parents never divorced. I have no idea how that affects a person. Second, how selfish am I? I didn't realize that until this morning. I love him and things are wonderful. I don't need to declare that to the world. I don't need to tell anyone else. I just need to tell him. Married or not, I wholeheartedly plan on spending the rest of my life with this man. He's made me happier than I ever dreamed I could be. No vows, no ring, no piece of paper is going to change that.
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