Four years ago I took the job that paid well, instead of the job that I had been dreaming about for years. I thought that the higher salary would allow me to do more of the things that I want such as buy a house and travel. At no point did I consider the cost to my well-being of taking a position for no other reason than the money. Don't get me wrong, I have learned so much in my current job. I used to love coming to work everyday if only for the new things that I would learn and for my amazing coworkers. Turns out, that's not enough to sustain me. And the cruel irony is that I still don't have that house, nor have I traveled anywhere that I used to dream of.
Ultimately, that's what I gave up. I thought that I was being responsible, pragmatic, practical. I was trying to be the person that I thought I was supposed to be and I forgot that I am a daydreamer. I gave up the dreaming and tried to build myself into something that I'm not. Since I was a kid, I desperately wanted to work in a bookstore, preferably a new/used store that has little tiny rooms and stacks of books that appear to make no sense, but actually are organized if you know what you're looking for, but really, any bookstore. Because the thing that I am the most passionate about is the pursuit of a good story. I love books. Always have. And I want to share that with people. "'A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies,' said Jojen. 'The man who never reads lives only one.'" - George RR Martin in A Dance with Dragons: A Song of Ice and Fire: Book Five
.It makes me sad to know how much this has affected my partner's life as well. I don't know how long it's been going on (obviously I haven't been paying a lot of attention), but every day that I come home stressed out because of work, I know it wears on him. He said, last night, that he wished I could be happy. I wish that I could be happy, too. But wishing isn't enough. So, for him and for myself, today I start again. I've been looking for a new job, for something different, but mostly for something that pays better. Instead, I'm going to look for something that will make me happy. I'll always be able to pay my bills, and if I work at it I can get ahead even on a smaller budget, but I can't be happy just anywhere. Work to live, don't live to work.
On a lighter note... I'm starting Ship Breaker
today. Picked it up this morning, since I just finished The Warlock (The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel)
last night only to discover that the last book doesn't come out until next summer. Also, I reinstalled Diablo II: Lord of Destruction Expansion Set
on my computer yesterday and promptly played for 3 hours. I forgot how delightful that is!
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