I'm not sure how to approach a discussion that I have to have. How am I to explain that I am going back on anti-depressants to someone who doesn't believe that depression is truly a disease?
I've been on and off anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications for most of my adult life. I had a good run of about 5 years where I didn't need any medication. Then, slowly, my mind started to creep back to that place. I'm the happiest I've ever been with a great relationship, a steady job, a place to live. And yet, I feel broken, empty, miserable. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I've been sobbing at movies that, while sad, do not warrant hysterics. My friends now actively avoid me and I can't get a handle on my weight. Being lonely and overweight doesn't help with the depression. And the ball rolls down hill gaining speed and gaining size until it's all there is.
When my partner told me the other day that he wished I could be happy, it wasn't what he said that struck me. It was how he said it. He sounded worried and frustrated. He, who always has the solution to every problem, sounded like he didn't know what to do. I feel like if this hadn't been brought to my attention then I would be in serious danger of losing him. He must have thought at this point that he would be happier with someone who could make up their mind for 30 seconds and who could smile on occasion.
So after some long talks with a few great friends, I've made up my mind. I have an appointment today. If the doctor recommends it, we'll do a thyroid test. But either way, I'm going back on the anti-depressants. I can't do this alone if I think I can't talk to anyone about it. The hardest part for me is looking back over the past few months and realizing that this has been going on a long time. Long enough that I can't understand why no one has said something sooner. I will update later with exam results. Appointment is in 2.5 hrs.
No comments:
Post a Comment