Is Anybody Listening?

It starts with a link. This showed up on my Twitter feed earlier today. http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/

I spent every spare minute on breaks, at lunch, and as soon as I got home reading through the messages, looking at the pictures, crying. I feel so fortunate, so heartbroken, so uncertain. I am certainly part of that 99%, but I am not suffering.

I graduated in 2004 with a degree in Creative Writing that I have finally managed to wedge into my job at the veterinary clinic where I currently work. My grandfather, who had taught English at a university, had planned (very well), and was able to leave money for me. My parents (who raised me in a single-income household with a stay at home mother) planned well and were able to pay for my college education. Not just my tuition, but my books, my lodging, my living expenses. All of that, they gave me. I have no student loan debt.

My father is currently thinking about retiring. I wonder, sometimes, if he's as scared as I am. He works at Boeing and has for a long time. We made it through Boeing and Seattle in the 80s and I didn't know until I was much older how close some of those years came. As a child, I was in a private school (the tuition for which is now more than my college tuition was). When my parents could no longer keep me in private school, they moved so that I could be in one of the best school districts in the state. They will have been in the same house for 24 years as of this November. It's paid for, and because they've been there so long, it's still worth more than they paid for it.

I hope that if they ever need it, I am able to give as much to my parents as they gave to me. I have an inheritance. It was going to be my down payment for a home, but now it's my retirement plan. If anything should happen, though, it will be my parents' retirement plan. I hope that things will change, that my father will be able to retire. He certainly deserves it.

I have a job. There are a lot of times when I hate it. I'm doing the work of 3 people for the pay of 1. But I love what I do and I love my coworkers. It pays the bills. I have food. I have an apartment. I can afford cable and a cell phone and video games and all sorts of other luxuries. I have never been without health insurance, going from my father's plan, to my own at work, to private pay, and back to my own plan. And I'm actually putting money away in savings for the first time in my life.

Meanwhile, my friends are unemployed, underemployed, in fear of losing their jobs because their employers are running out of money. They're running out of savings and don't know how they're going to pay their bills. They're underwater on their mortgages or getting foreclosed on. They're considering filing for bankruptcy.

I am the first person to admit that I am financially irresponsible. I have learned from my mistakes. I have gotten better. I feel like an adult at last. How do I watch my friends, my coworkers, any other human being go through this kind of suffering? They didn't make ridiculous choices. They weren't out living the high life. They're just trying to get by.

More importantly, how do the people who get rich of the backs of all these people look at other human beings who are suffering and think that their yacht, their vacation home, their trip to Aruba is more important than food for those who prop them up? Be a fucking human. It's not that hard to care.

The Wrong Side of Logic

Whoops...

Just got into a brief discussion with a few of my coworkers. It ended with all of them looking at me like I'm an idiot. It ended with me walking away because what's the point?

They were talking about reporting crimes, particularly violent ones. The consensus was that if you were reporting a crime, you shouldn't need to provide your name and information. Also, if you did need to do that, it certainly shouldn't be available to the person you were reporting. What if they retaliated? There should be some sort of protection? It's absurd!

I stood and listened for a while and eventually couldn't help myself any longer. "Well, it's in our Constitution." They stared. "The Bill of Rights." More staring. "The right to face one's accuser?" More staring.

I didn't know what to do, so I just turned around and walked away. I mean, I understand their concerns. After all, if one does commit a violent crime, then there is certainly a chance that they would use that information to retaliate against someone who turned them in. I completely understand the desire to protect your family.

What if it was the other way around, though? What if you could report anonymously? What if someone accused you of a violent crime? Battery, for example. And what if they were making it up? If they had to produce no information, then how would anyone ever find them for testimony? How would you ever refute their claims? Or, if we take the lenient assumption under those circumstances, how would the state ever prove a case against someone? After all, the police didn't witness the crime. They're merely arriving based on the tip of an anonymous stranger.

What reason would there be to stop people from falsely accusing at random? Just the goodness of humanity? Forgive me if I put a little less faith in that. That said, obviously these people didn't believe so firmly in the benevolence of strangers either, otherwise they never would have been concerned in the first place.

That's why we have rules, because sometimes people aren't good to others. That's why we have a Bill of Rights...

Sometimes you just have to walk away.

Sometimes Things Just Click

I woke up this morning feeling very... self-assured? That's not the right term, but I simply cannot find the right words right now. I felt like I might suddenly understand something today that has been just outside my grasp. Like the world had something to tell me. And it didn't take long. I hadn't even been up an hour when I read an article about marriage (when and why people make that decision).

I was raised in a family different from that of a lot of my friends. My parents have been married for 41 years now. I think I was in middle school before I made my first friends whose parents were still together. Now the numbers are a little more balanced. But when I was growing up, I learned pretty quick that my experience wasn't necessarily the typical one. I never had any delusions that getting married meant staying married, but I did think that it was something that one did when they found the right person.

Then, when I was 22, I got engaged to the wrong person. It didn't take me too long to figure out that it wasn't right. And fortunately I didn't get married before I learned that. In fact, I set up barriers, goals that we would have to meet before we could wed. And they were goals that the two of us could never have achieved. It did take me 2 years past that engagement to end the relationship, though it was probably only days before I decided to do so. But why did I say yes in the first place?

I was 22. Don't tell me you didn't make any mistakes when you were 22, especially when it comes to relationships. But that's no excuse. My parents got married when they were 21. So why would I say yes to a proposal that I was only half-hearted about in the first place and that I was adamantly opposed to only days later. Because I wanted to get married. When I say that, I don't mean that I wanted a long, happy marriage (though I did want that as well, but that clearly wasn't a consideration when I said yes). I wanted the wedding. The dress and the party and to be the center of attention. I wanted people to say how beautiful I looked and how wonderful it all was. And I wanted it then more than ever, because I had lost any sense of self-worth in that relationship and it certainly was not wonderful. I was heartbroken and destroyed and thought that a white dress and a day of amazing things would make it all better.

Two years later I came to my senses and left. I realized, finally, that that wasn't how things were supposed to be. The wedding wouldn't fix our relationship. I had examined, for those two years, the marriages of my parents and his parents and realized that if I stood in front of a priest with that man that we would end up like his parents. I would be secondary to everything, waiting on him all the time, always heartbroken. So I walked out.

I've been in a wonderful relationship for six years now, and it's hard to believe that I could have ever tolerated the last one. I no longer crave the wedding, because he makes me feel beautiful and amazing every day. I don't need a big party for that. Every single day I get to come home to a man who is supportive and kind, thoughtful and caring. That doesn't mean that we don't have our disagreements, but they're little, we work through them, and we move on. I would do anything in my power to make him happy.

Or so I thought. Because I still clung to the idea that eventually marriage was something that happens. I had a good example to look at and why didn't he want that? The experience he had was different and I always said that I understood how he felt, why he might be reluctant, but it wouldn't be like that for us. We would work out. I would never hurt him. If we just got married it would all be wonderful.

First, how could I understand how he felt? My parents never divorced. I have no idea how that affects a person. Second, how selfish am I? I didn't realize that until this morning. I love him and things are wonderful. I don't need to declare that to the world. I don't need to tell anyone else. I just need to tell him. Married or not, I wholeheartedly plan on spending the rest of my life with this man. He's made me happier than I ever dreamed I could be. No vows, no ring, no piece of paper is going to change that.

Free Entertainment?

I ranted extensively on Twitter last night about free entertainment. I have encountered, recently, more and more people who believe that they deserve to get entertainment products for free. They think that they should not have to pay for games, movies, tv, books, etc. They think that streaming services ranging from $6-10 a month are a rip off. They think DVD delivery is too expensive. They feel they are entitled to these things and why should they have to pay for them?

I have seen people use pirated software and argue that it is just way too expensive to buy. There are times when I agree that software is obscenely expensive, but I simply don't buy it or I use stripped down versions that are cheaper. There is a reason that stuff is pricey. It takes hundreds of people thousands of hours to develop. Do you work for free? No? Then why would you ask anyone else to?

And that's really the gist of what I'm getting at here. I believe that an artist or craftsperson should be able to make a living at their trade. I like to support the people who create the things I like so that they may go on creating things that I like rather than having to take a second job because people steal their work. We all laugh at the silly warnings on the beginning of DVDs about piracy, but why do we think it's okay to steal creative content? Why do we want to take a source of revenue from someone who is working their tail off just to provide us with something that makes us smile in a day? It's not like it comes easy. All these things take a lot of work.

I guess I just don't understand.

Time is Moving Backwards

Ever have one of those days where you glance at the clock and then do what feels like an hour's worth of work and then look at the clock again only to discover that a mere 10 minutes has passed? That's today.

I love the new Dyson DC35 Digital Slim that I picked up recently. Yes, the battery doesn't last very long, but it's so convenient and easy to use that I can do maintenance every day and never have an issue with the battery. I'm doing well on the cleaning project. Have to get one more stack done and possibly buy another bin for the storage unit, but it's a lot better. Meanwhile, I'm taking a bit of a break from housework. I'm under orders not to get right to work on dinner or cleaning when I get home. Forced relaxation...

It's working, though. Between the new awareness, the deliberate rest, and the new medication everything is going pretty well. I still haven't really talked to the boyfriend about the meds. I told him that I'm on them, but I don't know how to explain why. I had to go in because I was really causing some strain and he's the most important thing in the world to me. I couldn't lose him over my inability to maintain a stable mood. So here I am, back on anti-depressants with no way to explain that I'm not depressed because I'm sad, but rather I'm sad because I'm depressed. In fact, I should be the happiest I've ever been in my whole life. Everything is going my way. The fact that I'm not just over the moon all the time was one of the early signs for me. It's all getting back on track now.

I just got into an argument about donuts. How silly is that? Is there a definitive difference between a cruller

and an old fashioned

or am I imagining that? I never thought the two were interchangeable. Always thought of crullers as light and airy, whereas old-fashioneds are dense and cakey... Oh well, as I mentioned, not important. That said, a client brought in donuts and I was pretty excited because there wasn't a single kind that I like. It's hard to resist the snacks in here sometimes, especially when the medication makes me hungry all the time.

Currently reading:

Thursday Blues

I'm not sure how to approach a discussion that I have to have. How am I to explain that I am going back on anti-depressants to someone who doesn't believe that depression is truly a disease?

I've been on and off anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications for most of my adult life. I had a good run of about 5 years where I didn't need any medication. Then, slowly, my mind started to creep back to that place. I'm the happiest I've ever been with a great relationship, a steady job, a place to live. And yet, I feel broken, empty, miserable. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I've been sobbing at movies that, while sad, do not warrant hysterics. My friends now actively avoid me and I can't get a handle on my weight. Being lonely and overweight doesn't help with the depression. And the ball rolls down hill gaining speed and gaining size until it's all there is.

When my partner told me the other day that he wished I could be happy, it wasn't what he said that struck me. It was how he said it. He sounded worried and frustrated. He, who always has the solution to every problem, sounded like he didn't know what to do. I feel like if this hadn't been brought to my attention then I would be in serious danger of losing him. He must have thought at this point that he would be happier with someone who could make up their mind for 30 seconds and who could smile on occasion.

So after some long talks with a few great friends, I've made up my mind. I have an appointment today. If the doctor recommends it, we'll do a thyroid test. But either way, I'm going back on the anti-depressants. I can't do this alone if I think I can't talk to anyone about it. The hardest part for me is looking back over the past few months and realizing that this has been going on a long time. Long enough that I can't understand why no one has said something sooner. I will update later with exam results. Appointment is in 2.5 hrs.

Monday Morning Revelations

Nothing stings quite as much as hearing the person whom you love the most in the world say that there isn't anything you're passionate about... except, of course, for realizing that they're right. I realized last night that, for the sake of pragmatism, I've given up a lot of things that make me who I am.

Four years ago I took the job that paid well, instead of the job that I had been dreaming about for years. I thought that the higher salary would allow me to do more of the things that I want such as buy a house and travel. At no point did I consider the cost to my well-being of taking a position for no other reason than the money. Don't get me wrong, I have learned so much in my current job. I used to love coming to work everyday if only for the new things that I would learn and for my amazing coworkers. Turns out, that's not enough to sustain me. And the cruel irony is that I still don't have that house, nor have I traveled anywhere that I used to dream of.

Ultimately, that's what I gave up. I thought that I was being responsible, pragmatic, practical. I was trying to be the person that I thought I was supposed to be and I forgot that I am a daydreamer. I gave up the dreaming and tried to build myself into something that I'm not. Since I was a kid, I desperately wanted to work in a bookstore, preferably a new/used store that has little tiny rooms and stacks of books that appear to make no sense, but actually are organized if you know what you're looking for, but really, any bookstore. Because the thing that I am the most passionate about is the pursuit of a good story. I love books. Always have. And I want to share that with people. "'A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies,' said Jojen. 'The man who never reads lives only one.'" - George RR Martin in A Dance with Dragons: A Song of Ice and Fire: Book Five.

It makes me sad to know how much this has affected my partner's life as well. I don't know how long it's been going on (obviously I haven't been paying a lot of attention), but every day that I come home stressed out because of work, I know it wears on him. He said, last night, that he wished I could be happy. I wish that I could be happy, too. But wishing isn't enough. So, for him and for myself, today I start again. I've been looking for a new job, for something different, but mostly for something that pays better. Instead, I'm going to look for something that will make me happy. I'll always be able to pay my bills, and if I work at it I can get ahead even on a smaller budget, but I can't be happy just anywhere. Work to live, don't live to work.

On a lighter note... I'm starting Ship Breaker today. Picked it up this morning, since I just finished The Warlock (The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel) last night only to discover that the last book doesn't come out until next summer. Also, I reinstalled Diablo II: Lord of Destruction Expansion Set on my computer yesterday and promptly played for 3 hours. I forgot how delightful that is!

E3 is out to get me...

Once again, I ought to have taken a few days off to watch the E3 keynotes. As it is, I only managed to watch Nintendo's today. I caught highlights of the Microsoft and Sony sets last night. I'll be anxious, as usual, to see how quickly we start to see some of these products.

As one of the rare people who truly enjoyed playing Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles on the Gamecube with four Game Boy Advance attached to it, I'm very excited about the possibilities that the Wii U presents. Good on them for finally catching up to the HD game. Should have happened a long time ago, but better late than never. And it's delightful that they're going to make it backward compatible with not only games, but also accessories. That new controller doesn't look like it'll come cheap, and it gives you an option to play with kids or friends that you might not trust with a pricey tablet. It looks like a huge controller. I don't know if it'll be something that will lend itself to long gaming sessions because of that.

It is good to see them finally getting good third party support. It'll be interesting to see what happens when people really do have an equivalent option to purchase games across all three systems. Right now the question is whether to get the multi-platform titles on Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3. I don't necessarily think that Nintendo will be getting those sales, but what will happen is that it opens those games up to a wider audience. People who only have the Nintendo system will now be able to play Assassin's Creed Revelations, Darksiders 2, and Batman: Arkham City. Of course, the Wii U doesn't come out until next year and all those games are out this year. Those better be launch titles as a result. Otherwise, who is going to buy a 6 month old game and be interested?

On to better things, the 3DS just keeps getting better. I need to find wifi somewhere that I can connect to, or perhaps change the security on my connection here at home, because I'd love to get the update. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D, Metal Gear Solid Snake Eater 3DS, and Mario Kart are going to be great. And the fact that I can buy NES games and older? Thank you, Nintendo!

Actually, I think I'm going to walk over to Starbucks right now to download the update...

Middle of Vacation

Is there anything better than a week long vacation that loses you no money on your paycheck, uses no vacation time, and is happening right now? I don't think so! However, I am out of books to read. Need suggestions. So far this week I finished the Dragonriders of Pern set I was reading earlier as well as starting and finishing Dead Reckoning (Sookie Stackhouse, Book 11). It was entertaining. Pretty much that's all i can ask of any of my "summer" reading. But I'm looking for something a little more fulfilling now.

I'm watching my man try to wrap up L.A. Noire before the weekend is up. A fantastic game, for sure. I almost think I would have enjoyed playing it, but by this point I've seen the whole story, so there wouldn't be much challenge there. I spent a good portion of yesterday on Torchlight, which I adore. I hope they put the 2nd one on XBLA, but if not, I'll still get it for my laptop. It gives me something to do while I wait impatiently for Diablo 3 to come out. And it's a nice break from the 3 Lego games I'm grinding through. I think today is a LEGO Harry Potter: Years 1-4 kind of day. 

Got ribs out of the freezer for dinner. Probably should have done that last night, but oh well. It'll be nice to get the grill up and running for the first time this year. Have some baked beans and corn on the cob to go with it. Nice, easy, and delicious. And well within my diet. In fact, I've discovered that everything is within my diet. I'm down 12 pounds in 3 weeks! And I've only barely changed my eating habits. I knew that all I had to do was get off my lazy ass, I'm just glad I finally did it. Still have 20 pounds to go for goal, but that means I'm a third of the way there.

Tomorrow we're going to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean at the Galaxy theater in Monroe. D-Box and 3D? Count me in! I always think it's funny that I go to most movies on Tuesday at Cinebarre for $5, but then I have no problem spending $19 a ticket for a matinée if it's at a D-Box theater. Oh well, as far as an immersive experience goes, it can't be beat. I remember the first time I saw Inception at home and I thought it just wasn't the same. It wasn't that the screen was smaller or that we don't have surround sound. It was that the oh-so-subtle movement of the seat when I saw it in the theater made it feel so very different. I'm glad I got to experience that.

Well, off to clean out the fridge, empty the garbage, put away the dishes, etc. Doesn't that sound like a great vacation to you?

Working on a Tuesday?!

What I should be doing right now: packing up the computer and heading into work. What I'm actually doing: why, writing this blog post, of course. The idea of going into work on a Tuesday is nearly unbearable for me. This is my weekend, dammit! I should be enjoying my days off. But instead I'm headed to the clinic because there's Anniversary stuff to do and because I have time off this weekend instead. Ugh, I have to go. More later.

Rainy Days in Seattle

So, it's a day that ends in 'y' and to no surprise the water is falling from the sky. People always get mad about the rain here in Seattle, which is funny. Why would you live in a place that is known for it's grey skies and then complain about the grey skies? We don't even get that much rain, usually. Less than Chicago for example. But it is grey all the time. Personally, I love it.

There is nothing better than curling up on the couch with a snack and a good book (currently reading The Dragonriders of Pern). The rain is also doing lovely things for my EarthBox garden. The lettuce and peas are growing like mad and trying to take over everything else. It's finally warm enough for my tomato to go outside, so that's going to happen tomorrow.

I have Memorial Day weekend off from the clinic and I actually hope that it rains the whole time. If it's sunny I'll want to go out all the time. If it's raining, though, perhaps I can get that apartment cleaned up finally. It looks like something exploded in there and that makes me sad. I just have trouble working a long day, and then coming home and still working! I know people do it every day and I should get over myself, but the job is draining.

Tomorrow I'm going to Williams-Sonoma to buy a Breville Pie Maker. This is my kitchen implement of the month. Last month I got the Cuisinart Ice Cream & Sorbet Maker, Red and now I have to try out a recipe for avocado gelato, which sounds delightful. Next month, we're going for the Cuisinart 14-Cup Food Processor. I can't be bothered to grate cheese all the time.

For now, off to continue the job hunt. It's a little disheartening, but I just have to keep at it. Something will come through.

The Sound of Drums

The universe ends like a raindrop into a puddle.

It empties slowly as the storm rages.

The pounding of the drums is incessant and

in my attempts to escape I grow numb.

The skies are made of blinding diamonds.

Fear and electricity burn at my nose as

I taste, at last, a bitter hope.

The ticking of my watch, golden and forgotten,

feels like the caress of silk.

The echos of Captain Jack Harkess’s words woke

something in my memory that was so much more

than Utopia could ever offer.

To me. To anyone.

I never truly forgot the watch.

An old man has so much in his past that he often forgets

how much can be in his future,

where life could take him if he focused.

And suddenly the Tardis was real for me.

I was young again because I looked at the face of time.

Chan, And who are you, Doe? Were her last words that never mattered.

The ethereal police box of rebirth wrote

the first new pages of my tale.

My sanity was as stalwart as a leak in a dam.

I danced across time and skipped through the annals of history

to bring nightmares for Christmas.

The Master asks for nothing, but always takes,

for in the months ahead

spheres will rain from the skies

and all hope will shrink to nothingness.

The watery song of the Doctor washes over all.

They’ll always forget him if he saves humanity.

Allons-y!

Time kicks off its shoes and falls, delighted, into a recliner

Even as it comes to an end under a sky made of diamonds.

Ten Minute Spill - "Sunday"

A semi-automatic espresso machine whirs away,

The needle of the temperature gauge creeping higher and higher.

Caramel swirls through clouds of creamy foam.

A sip. Another. A drink. Licking lips.

She takes a taste and lets the blackberry slump

Bite at her tongue. A smile spreads across her face.

The rain splatters outside the window and she gazes

Out at the grey. Spring mornings have always been her favorite.

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow…

We go back to work.

Potential

I remember a time when potential wasn't a dirty word,
when it meant all the things that you could do,
all the things you were going to do,
rather than all the things you ought to have done.

I've gotten to old for potential. Now what do I have?
Ambition sounds too young, too hollow, too cold.
Drive is no better - callous and empty.
No, now I have... egotism and pride.

The negative have become the positive.
I can do anything I want and who are you to tell me
that I "lack experience". You wouldn't believe
the experiences that I have had.

Give me a shot. I'll show you where you can stick your
potential. I don't need to show off all my skills
because I know how good I am.
And I know how much you need me.